Answers from a recovering sex addict: 7 Things I Would Want My Daughter to Know
I was asked this important question the other day from a woman in her late 20’s. She had just found out that the man she is dating is a sex addict going to a support group. Her reasonable query was one of worry and concern. She questioned “What does this information mean”? This article contains some of my thoughts concerning her questions. This is a truly relevant question as the use of pornography seems to be ubiquitous in our society.
To provide you with some of my background, I am a recovering sex addict. My addiction started when I was a small child and raged throughout my teenage years, and into my marriage. It started with exploration with the neighbor girls, lusting after girls walking down the street, and looking at ads in the newspaper. I was then introduced to swimsuit pictures, followed by pornographic magazine pictures. Masturbation became an important part of my life from the age of 13 on. Like any addict, I hid my addiction and withdrew into a shell of shame. I lived a double life of outward spirituality, and inward self-condemnation. My drug of choice was fantasy and the objectification of women and pornography in printed form, TV, movies and then the internet. My recovery went through phases of daily viewing and masturbation, to periodic viewing such as monthly or yearly. I tried to stop many times and went to many church leaders for help. I started attending recovery groups over 5 years ago and have been sober since. The cost of addiction for me has been high. It destroyed my ability to connect with and interact in a healthy meaningful way with others.
The reason I start with a high-level view of my story is to highlight that for me, there is a big difference between my recovery and sobriety. Sobriety is stopping my destructive patterns of behavior. In my instance this was the viewing of pornography. In contrast however, recovery is not a one-time process – its aim is to “recover” what I lost in using the drug of lust as a way of life. This means doing things differently and being a different person. If the person you are dating has been in addictive patterns for years, you need to realize that it will take years to recover. Remember, recovery means gaining back what was lost – relationships, self-worth, healthy patterns, and connection. You will be able to tell a lot about his recovery by his patterns of life and who he is.
The two pillars of recovery in my opinion are learning to be totally honest with self and others and learning how to connect in a real way to other people and with God. As an addict I was connected with the unreal, and as a recovering addict I have the courage to live in reality. It takes a power greater than me though to get out of the addiction.
If you know about someone’s addiction, that is a good sign because they want to be honest. The problem with knowing, is that you will not know the full extent of what it means. Before I got married, I told my future bride that I had a problem with pornography but that I had it under control. She did not know that it was ravaging my life. I thought that under control meant that I did not view lustful content for a few months to a year. You need to understand the extent of the addiction.
There are many books written about recovery and I would recommend studying up. Understand that part of my recovery has been becoming a student of recovery literature. It takes years of reading books, attending groups, and conferences, and most importantly walking my own personal beautiful hell of the road to recovery. I am still walking the road, some days more gracefully than others.
Following are seven observations to consider – a few things I would have my daughters watch for if they came to me for advice when dating a recovering addict.
First, from my perspective, most addicts do not know or realize that they are addicts. We are not bad people, but we often live in a distorted reality of minimization and justification—where we think it is just our little secret or a small problem, and that it is not hurting others. If someone has already admitted and is willing to acknowledge their addiction, take that as a good sign. When you date, understand that most addicts will not recognize/identify or admit being an addict. Your understanding of the signs will help you navigate through.
1. Listen to (and trust) your Gut (the spirit)
We all want love and connection. Many times, when we desire a relationship, we ignore the little uncertainties in our gut. Take that feeling seriously in a relationship. Addicts are masters of living a double life. If something feels off, trust your gut, even if or especially if it does not make rational sense. Our spirits and our subconscious minds pick up clues. Trust yourself and listen.
2. Are they open about past behavior, and willing to share details surrounding the duration and intensity of acting out episodes?
If you are serious about a relationship, ask for an inventory of all past sexual history. Do not go into details of what was seen but get specifics about the duration and intensity of the activity or acting out behaviors. Me, as an addict, wants to stay in the generalities.
As an example, it would be easier for me to simply say “I had a slip”, and much more difficult for me to say that I started looking at lustful content on Facebook at 3 pm and it gradually went from fully clothed girls, to viewing a a couple having sex on the internet, and then masturbating 8 hours later. The ability to have this open conversation is a sign of recovery.
Some individuals get confused about the concept of forgiving and forgetting the past, and letting others have a fresh start. I would not recommend that approach with a recovering sexual addict. If he wants to invest in a relationship with you, you need to know his baggage. Without you knowing his full past, he cannot fully give himself to you and you to him. For a recovering addict, he has begun the process of releasing the shame of the past. The idea is that his past is the key to a beautiful future with lessons learned instead of a lock that needs to be shut off and forgotten.
If the relationship is casual, I would not go into depth, but if you are considering a serious relationship, then openness is key. Do not be concerned if this is difficult for him. I feel pain and hurt at things from my past, but a recovering addict can do difficult things.
3. Is there an over emphasis on the physical sexual relationship?
Physical intimacy needs to be secondary to other types of intimacy in a relationship. If a deepening relationship naturally turns sexual, an addict in recovery will be able to manage their own sexual feelings and behaviors. There is not a point where he “needs” to be sexual (i.e. kissing, physical contact etc.….). He will feel like he does though.
Biologically we are sexual beings. Being attracted physically and having a desire to connect through sexual intimacy is strong and beautiful. The difference between addiction and healthy sexuality lies in the weight placed on physical intimacy. Do not confuse touch with love and caring from an addict. For an addict, when it comes to sexuality, the highest goal or end goal of the relationship is sexuality. You can become the drug. You will know if this is the case by noticing the reaction if you take the drug away. Responses such as anger, fear, or betrayal will give you good information regarding where the addict currently is in their addiction. That was the painful truth for me. Please do not use sexuality as a tool to get what you want. Using sex for manipulation is not healthy for either party.
Sexuality is difficult in the virtual world. An addict can also push you away because they fear real intimacy. Be mindful of that fear. If they are not interested in sexuality or closeness with you, it may be because they are addicted to lust. A real connection is foreign to them. You should always feel safe in any sexual encounter. I define sexual encounters very loosely from flirting, holding hands, courting, kissing etc.…
4. Does he court you?
Demand to be courted. A byproduct of addiction is selfishness and hiding inwardly in shame. An addict looks for the easy fix. It takes effort to coordinate a date and plan out an event. Does he take the time to think about you and understand you? I still struggle with this one. The lack of courtship stems from my selfishness. When things get difficult it is easy to escape into the addiction. A recovering addict will do more of the pursuing, rather than being pursued in a relationship. Because my addiction stunted my social growth, I have difficulty relating in social situations. If that is the case in the relationship, let him learn to show his love by his actions.
5. Does he have other interests besides you?
It might feel flattering if the person you are dating only wants you, but that can be a red flag. Make sure that he has interests, friends, and life outside of you. Most addicts are love cripples and will develop an unhealthy reliance on you. That was the case with me.
6. Does he regulate his emotions?
Before I got married, I would have marathon, late night emotional talks with my fiancé. She turned into my ‘therapist’ rather than an equal partner. This is because I struggled with emotional regulation. One size does not fit all with sexual addiction, but one common theme is the inability to effectively regulate emotions.
The emotion I had the most difficult time controlling was shame. For me this came out as silence and inward self–loathing. For others it may come out as anger, irritation, or moping. That is why I turned to the drug of lust – it deadened the shame that consumed me. It was a downward spiral. If you notice difficulties in managing difficult emotions, that will tell you how far he is in recovery.
If you discover that someone you are dating is going to sexual addiction recovery meetings, please leave judgement at the door. We are doing the best we can, but also do not confuse lack of judgment with acceptance of behavior. The best way to help an addict is to not accept addictive behaviors. Put your safety (Emotional, Physical, Spiritual) first.
7. Lastly, it is not your fault and you cannot fix it
You will not be able to do anything to fix a sexual addiction in another person. My wife could not fix my addiction. She is beautiful and wonderful, but I needed to choose recovery. It seemed cruel to my addict mind at the time, but the most effective part of my recovery was when my wife said that she would not accept the behavior anymore. She realized it was not her fault, and it was a mess that I had created and had to fix. A recovering addict will fully understand that recovery is fully his.
If there is ever a slip or relapse, understand that it is not your fault. There is nothing that you did or did not do which caused this. You should have the expectation in a relationship of total fidelity. Looking at pornography is infidelity in a marriage – just as much as going to prostitutes, escort services, and seeking emotional and physical affairs is.
If you feel hurt and betrayed, your feelings are valid and please do not be apologetic about your hurt. Live within your truth and values but understand that the hurt was not caused by you.
Note from MaryAnn: A heartfelt thank you goes out to the guest author of this post, for sharing your insights, thoughts, and story.
If you are personally struggling with a pornography and/or sex addiction, or if you have experienced partner betrayal trauma, I encourage you to seek out and ask for help from a professionally trained CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) or CPTT (Certified Partner Trauma Therapist) who will have the necessary skills to support and help you walk through your difficult journey. Know that you are not alone and that there is hope and healing on the horizon!